The New Student at Riddle High (SATIRE)
by DROP THERAPY
Summary: NOTICE: THIS IS PURELY SATIRICAL. DO NOT EXPECT THIS TO BE GOOD, I AM 100% MORE CAPABLE OF DOING THINGS THAT ARE BETTER THAN THIS LOAD OF SHIT.
1. Prologue

**NOTE: THIS IS SATIRE AND WILL BE REALLY HARD TO DO FOR ME BECAUSE I AM USED TO NOT SUCKING AT WRITING THINGS, SO EXPECT INFREQUENT UPDATES.**

it was a new day for joe jonson. he had reesently muved from his his place to another one by a new high school name d ridle hight. one day on,. he waledk into his new classroom, that was belonging to someone named mr soggy. in fornt of hism wa sfow r peopel -

 **OKAY I CAN'T DO THIS. I HAVE TO TONE DOWN THE GRAMMAR ERRORS.**

 _ **TAKE TWO:**_

it was a new day for joe jonson. He had recently moved from his place to another one by a new high school name d riddle high. one day one, he walked into his new classrroom rthat was belonging to someone named mr soggy. in front of him was four people, one of which was wearing a green jackedt and another one who had bronw hair and had a yellow face and was really happy and one that had a blue shirt and a fire on his head and one black guy that wa s really bored all the time. he sat next to hre happy one whoes name was smiley and -

 _ **NOPE, GOTTA TRY AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH NO GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.**_


	2. The Kid Who Moves In

It was a new day for Joe Jonson. He had recently moved out of his old neighborhood to attend a very promising, or at least very cheap high school. On his first day, He was assigned to a very oddly named teacher, Mr. Soggy. He entered the building and walked down the hallway to the classroom, taking in the exact locations of the two important rooms on the first floor: the cafeteria and the auditorium. Once he entered the classroom, he was greeted by the teacher, who retained a completely layed back vibe, dude.

"Hello there. Alright class, we have a new student, so be nice and remember what it was like when you were a freshman-" He stopped and realized what he had said. After that, Joe walked up to the front of the class. He saw four people, one of which had a miniature fireplace on his head.

"Hi there, I'm Joe Jonson, and I am transferring from dumbass high school."

He heard someone in the room stifle a laugh.

"...Anyway, I have transferred here because my parents-"

"Okay, that's enough, now go take a seat, Jerry." Mr. Soggy interrupted.

"My name is Joe-"

"Sit down now or I will give you detention!" Mr. Soggy yelled.

Once Joe sat down, Mr. Soggy resumed his lesson. Joe sat down next to a student with a green hoodie. The lesson droned on for what felt like _decades_ , eventually ending in silence due to the fact that Mr. Soggy was too lazy to give the students any assignments or even finish his lesson.

After that, Lunch started and Joe found himself sitting with all of his classmates. It was at this point that he realized just how small his new school was.

"Hey guys, can you fill me in on this place?" Joe asked them.

"Yeah, sure. Trust me, there isn't much to talk about." The hot-headed kid insisted.

"Yes, only that your head is literally on fire, the building is tiny, and the lunch lady looks like someone inflated a hippopotamus and that she's alright with me saying that." Joe replied.

"Well, ok then. My name is Zack, and this is Phil, Smiley, and Phred." Zack pointed to all of his friends and went on to tell Joe about how much of a hero Phil was and that Phil and Smiley hooked up four years ago and how he used to be cold all the time. All the while, he couldn't take his eyes off of smiley. He knew it was a bad thing, but on the first day of school, he had found someone more irresistible than any of his previous crushes. He knew that after a while, he had to at least become close friend with her.

 **END OF CHAPTER ONE. ALSO IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHEN IT WILL BECOME FUNNIER, JUST WAIT.**


	3. Conflict at Smiley's House

After a month or two, Joe becomes good friends with the four that composes his geography class. He eventually did get a chance to visit Smiley at her house, but of course Phil was there as well. The three did enjoy themselves, but the whole time, Joe's stomach was tied in knots by Smiley's irresistible, sexy bootyliciousness. Once Phil finally left her alone to go to the bathroom, Joe entered her bedroom where they were playing video games together **AND NOTHING ELSE**.

"Smiley, there is something I need to tell you, and I feel absolutely terrible about it..." Joe started.

"What is it? Whatever it is, it's probably something I can handle, considering the fact that I was abducted TWICE four years ago." She replied.

"Heh, yeah. Anyway, I think I like you, and I know you are taken, and I feel awful."

There was a brief pause.

"I was just hoping we could talk about this so that I could get over you fast-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Smiley jumped onto him and started making out with him ferociously. It got to a point where he almost went unconscious from the shock. Shortly after that, Phil walked out of the bathroom.

"Hey smiley you are running low on toilet paper-" Phil was stopped dead in his tracks by what he saw. Smiley backed off of the bed to reveal Joe laying there in shock.

"I-"

"Joe you FUCKING SON OF A BITCH I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Phil screamed at Joe.

"Phil, no!" Smiley tried to stop Phil before he grabbed a vase and bashed it against Joe's head. Joe got up and threw a few punches themselves, although it looked a lot more like a couple pillows bumping into each other than an actual fight. All the while, Smiley was watching in horror, the realization that she did this sinking into her head.

"YOU TRIED TO STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND YOU BASTARD!" Phil screamed.

"No, dude, I couldn't control her!" Joe replied.

"LIES, ALL LIES!" Phil screamed, grabbing a controller and bashing it against Joe's head until he went unconscious.

"Phil, what have you done? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Smiley screamed, on the verge of tears. Once Phil left, Smiley waited for Joe to wake up, which took roughly thirty minutes.

"Joe, are you alright?" Smiley asked.

"Yeah, but I am going to take extra steps to avoid Phil until this shit storm clears."

And then they had tons of hardcore butt sex. The end.


	4. The Quest to Avoid Phil

The next day, Joe made sure to make as little contact of any kind with Phil for as long as he could. He knew this was impossible unless he ditched, but he needed the grades. The last few weeks had been a little rocky for him in terms of GPA. Once he got to his geography class, he made sure to avoid eye contact with the green-hooded antagonist sitting right next to him. On his way to the lunch room, 5 stopped him.

"Hey, new kid, truth or dare."

"Fuck off, 5. I have much more important things to worry about." Joe replied.

Joe tried to continue down the hallway, but 5 was blocking him.

"Truth. Or dare." 5 said.

"Fine, Truth!" Joe responded. He wasn't into daring as much.

"Okay," 5 started, "What's up with you and Phil?"

Joe froze. He must have seen him trying to avoid Phil at all costs.

"Fine, I'll tell you, but do you promise not to tell anyone else about this?" Joe asked.

"No promises," 5 replied, noticing Phred walking down the hallway.

"Alright. I... Kind of fucked Smiley after Phil thought I was making out with her on purpose."

"You WHAT?" Phred shouted.

Joe froze for the second time in this chapter.

"Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second." Joe stuttered. He checked the cafeteria. Good, Phil wasn't there.

"Well, that was wonderful. a good time was had by all, I'm pooped. Oh, and if you tell ANYONE about this Phred, I will gladly rip your head off and place it on top of the flag pole at this school." Joe said.

"Got it. Well, Even if I did decide to do it, I would probably procrastinate on it anyway." Phred told Joe.

Once he got to the lunch room, he sat down across from Chubb, who by this time had lost a gigantic load of weight and only weighed 200 pounds.

"So, Chubb, how's your day been so far?"

"Good, but I heard you had a better day than me yesterday with Smiley," Chubb replied. Joe stormed out of the room to find Phred. He pinned him against the wall.

"WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY ABOUT TELLING ANYONE?" Joe screamed at him.

"It wasn't me, it must have been 5!"

Joe raced to the upper floor, where 5 always loiters around the science teacher's room. He attempted to pin 5 to the wall, but 5 grabbed him by the spleen and threw him across the room.

"Nice try, butt munch" 5 said.

"5, you are going to pay in blood for what you have done," Joe replied.

"Hey, Mrs. Flask, I forgot my pencil-"

Phil paused. He noticed what 5 was doing to Joe.

"Um... 5? What are you doing?"

"Do you want me to tell him?" 5 asked Joe.

"No! Don't!" Joe replied, on the verge of tears.

"Joe here totally had sex with your girlfriend. I told Chubb, and when he came to attack me because of it, I was prepared."

Phil went almost completely white. That paleness eventually turned to a very dark shade of purple.


	5. Immobilized

**My plan with this shit show is to add more absurd plot points, often disguising themselves as small jokes or other things into the story and eventually having them grow into the main plot. This is where it gets worse.**

Joe woke up an hour later. He was at the nurse's office, with a broken nose and two broken arms, as well as a dislocated knee. Joe was completely immobile. What was once a simple gag to end a chapter became one of the worst events in his life.

"Oh, you're awake," said the nurse. "Let me call your parents."

"Why didn't you call them earlier?" Joe asked.

"This school is very poor and we have a high phone bill already."

Once the nurse left, Joe noticed Smiley.

"Oh, hi Smiley," Joe greeted. "Any idea what happened to me? My head is _throbbing_."

"Phil beat the hell out of you after 5 told him you had sex with me. Mrs. Flask called the police about an hour ago."

"Wow, I fucked everything up, didn't I? How long will he be in there? A year or two?"

"Yup. I don't know what's up with him, he's never acted this way before."

"Well, I wasn't the one who chose to make out with the person next to me a few weeks ago." Joe replied.

"True," Smiley replied. "Oh about that, I think I'm pregnant." (see, I told you it would get worse.)

" _WONDERFUL_ ,"Joe replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, I'm being told that the baby is unlike anything they had ever seen before"

"Could you describe to me what it looks like?"

"They say it looks a lot like a stereotypical alien. Now that I think of it, it definitely looks a lot like-"

Smiley stopped mid-sentence.

"...Diz. This means either Diz's remains transferred through you as an STD of some kind or you are related to him!"

Joe stopped (not like he could move anyway HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Anyway, this was terrible. This means that one of his relatives did it with an alien and created him, and this would probably give Phil even more reason to kill him!

"Who knows about this?" Joe asked.

"No one, but that could change any minute now and I have no control over it. It's going to become apparent within a few months that I am pregnant and people are going to start asking questions. I am going to try and get an abortion, and until then, don't tell ANYONE."

"I wouldn't anyway," Joe replied. Just then the nurse walked in.

"Your parents are coming to pick you up, Joe. You will be home shortly," the nurse said.

"Thank god."


End file.
